Tales of a Boy Mom

We are heading to week three today of having two little boys in the house and I am considering changing my blog to "Tales of a Boy Mom."  I am currently sitting next to my two year old as he watches Curious George, dressed in his monkey Halloween costume while eating a banana.  Did I also mention that he has a stuffed monkey on the table who is missing an arm.  How did he lose his arm...who knows...it is just part of a long line of things that I repair on a weekly basis.  Last week it was a dinosaur book where one of the dinosaurs was missing a head...sigh...good thing I got an MBA and I am equipped to handle such complicated near disasters.  These last few weeks of maternity leave have been spent being peed on...thank you Hayden...fixing toys that are broken in the most unexplainable way and praying for quite between the yelling...Colin...and crying...Colin and Hayden.  Thank god they are both so darn cute.

I thought about at 3am the best way to deal with the chaos that is now introduced into our lives.  I have considered talking a cat herding class but unfortunately that was full so I came to conclusion that organization is the key.  I know big shocker for those of you that know me well.  I have a new found interest in making things as easy as possible.  As some of you read in my previous blog my obsession with online shopping this has come in handy when trying to manage everything and still maintain some sanity.  I have found that I can pretty much get anything I want delivered right to my doorstep and a lot of time with free shipping and who doesn't like free. 

Some updates on Colin, he is doing really well with his hearing aids.  He has picked up so many words it is amazing.  His favorite saying is "I'll be right back" and points to you as he is going upstairs to find something that usually doesn't belong to him.  Since the Hayden has arrived he likes to take his hearing aids out because he gets a reaction from us.  We know better then to give him the attention but when your toddler is dangling a down payment for a house from his little cute fingers even the best of parents are going to react...such a little stinker. 

Hayden is a much tougher baby then Colin.  He is not the sleeper that Colin was but on the flip side he is a much better eatter.  Wow can that kid chug a bottle.  He will be very popular in college I imagine if he keeps this up.  He is also huge, I have already given a bag of baby clothes to Goodwill that he has grown out of.  We are having Hayden's hearing tested next week.  He did pass the Newborn Hearing Screening- but so did Colin- so we are having him tested at Children's Hospital.  I am optimistic that we won't have any problems.  He seems to hearing everything especially when you are trying to get him to go to sleep.     

So that is the update for now.  At this point Kyle and I are in survival mode and trying not to wish away the time.  We know that these are the moments we are going to miss later so we are trying really hard to remind each other of that at 3:00 in the morning.  I realize now how much we missed with Colin due to the fact we had no idea what we were doing and although we still don't know at least this time we are much more aware of little things that we need to stop and enjoy.  We have also started a savings fund for therapy for both Colin and Hayden in case we really screw-up this parenting thing.  Until next time...

More, More and More

"More" was the first word Colin learned through baby sign-language.  Which is kind of fitting since we live in a world of more.  We need more time, more money, more shoes, more success, more help...you name it and we need more of it.  I wish I could tell you I was one of those people that was above it and was perfectly content with what I had but alas that would be a lie. 

I think the "more' sickness starts off innocent enough but as time goes on it grows to be an ugly monster.  "More" starts to mess with your mind and you do things you swear you will never do.  You start worrying about the Jones' and trying to keep up with them. You become the person that has your child in 15 different activities because all your kids friends are involved.  "More" takes over your finances as well.  Remember when your first paycheck was "so much" money but now when you look at your bank account, you clearly are making more, and wonder where did it all go.  At work the demands and pressures of doing "more" seems to be the new buzz word...it is never enough.  The Holidays are a classic time where "more" becomes even more prevalent.  More presents, more money spent, more demands on time, more food, more trying to make others happy...I think you get the idea. 

Speaking of "more", doctors are no exception to the need for more, more tests, more information and more decisions.  A lot has happened since the last time I have blogged.  We had Colin's ABR which is the sedated hearing test at the beginning of November.  The test required Colin to be under anesthesia for almost 90 minutes while they retest his hearing trying to determine the softest sounds he can hear and to confirm that it is a sensory loss rather then a perceptual problem.  The good news is the test confirmed everything we already had been told so there were no surprises. 

Colin has a complicated hearing loss due to the fact that he can hear lower tones but is severally hard of hearing with the higher pitched tones which most of the spoken language exists.  In a lot of ways it is amazing that he can speak at all but is actually doing great.  He loves wearing his hearing aids which I can't believe I am saying due to the fact what 2 year old likes doing anything you want them to do:). 

Next we went to the Hearing Clinic at Children's Hospital which is where you get a chance to meet with different specialists including a Genetic Counselor.  It can be very difficult to determine the cause of hearing loss and they are not optimistic they will be able to determine what caused Colin's.  They are able to test for one gene due to our very boring genetic make-up (By the way good news, Kyle and I are not related and Kyle does not have any secret children...I can't make this up but it was part of the screen...oh all you can do is laugh).  The test is a simple blood test and it takes about 6 weeks for the results.  There is about a 50% chance they will be able to tell us if our future children will have the same issue (that ship has sailed) or potentially the cause i.e. genetics.  After that there is not much they can do to tell us the cause.  At some point they would like us to have a CT Scan but there is only a 10% chance that will tell us anything and he has to be sedated again so we are going to wait.  Since the hearing loss potentially could be hereditary and Colin did pass the newborn screening we are having Hayden tested on January 4th.  To be honest I am less stressed by the results of that test due to the fact I know we can live through this and the earlier we determine there is a problem the better. 

Speaking of Hayden I am 39 weeks tomorrow and we have the induction scheduled on December 6th. We are very excited and I am so ready!

The upside of "more" though is when you find people in your life that are more then you ever expected like a spouse (yes I am talking about Kyle), children or a great friend more can be a really great thing.  So I am not going to preach to you that it is the holiday season and you should be thankful for what you have and not want more...because that would make me a hypocrite but I will say this...everything in moderation and feel free to have more of whatever, but remember who and what are really important.

The Town of Denial

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross defined grief in five stages the first being denial.  I will admit that I have been camped out in denial, I have moved in and bought a double wide trailer, that our company will not insure, in the town of Denial.  Ok, maybe not the trailer part but you get the idea.  I hadn't realized that I had taken up residence in denial until last week when we went to visit the Deaf Preschool and I got to observe children with hearing losses like Colin's.  For some reason observing that class was a reality check.  I realized at that moment that I had been in complete denial about Colin and about how our life was changing.  I realized I had been telling everyone what they wanted to hear that we were ok and that everything was going great.  I had been truly in denial about my feelings but more importantly how Colin's life would be impacted long-term.

I know people mean well when they say "everything is going to be fine...at least you caught it early...he will be fine."  I know the expected response from me is to smile and give a polite response when you really want to say, "I am sad...I want to blame someone...I blame myself."  Most people really don't want to hear that kind of honesty, most people don't really want to know how you really feel.  I will be the first to stand-up and say I liked living in denial it was a safe place but just not a very honest place. 

Kubler-Ross's next stage is anger which I can say that I have moved on to and unfortunately has come out to some unsuspecting people...sorry about that.  Acceptance is the final stage.  Like most things in my life I have tried to push myself to get there first but the reality is that it is ok if it takes a little bit longer.  If I am no longer going to be in denial then I need time and I need to work through getting to acceptance which isn't going to happen over night.

This week was a huge step in getting closer to the place of acceptance.  We had Colin's assessment done through Child Find and started working with this amazing person who is helping Colin learn to speak and most importantly listen.  She came to our house on Tuesday and worked with Colin one-on-one for an hour.  She created games around speech and by the end of the session Colin had started to put words together to form simple phrases.  Something he really had not done before.

I realize that this Blog is not my typical Blog but I needed to share this because I felt if I was honest with others I would be honest with myself.  I also wanted to give others the permission that we sometimes need to not be alright all of the time.  A friend reminded me the other day it really had only been 60 days since Colin's diagnosis and although we have a lot to be thankful for it was ok to be sad and to have feelings.

The Shopping Cart

I will confess that online shopping is my downfall.  I discovered this when I was on bed rest with Colin.  I just can't help myself.  I can waste an entire Sunday afternoon shopping.  I go through different websites adding things to my shopping carts.  Sometimes I purchase right away while sometimes I wait and purchase later or sometimes I purchase nothing at all.  I love to read the reviews of what other people write about the products and I especially love to find an online sale or even better a coupon.  I love online shopping so much I find myself dreading having to actually go to the mall and shop in-person.  Sometimes my shopping cart can get too full especially at places like Pottery Barn Kids or Baby Gap which often requires a lot of editing before I purchase if I still want Kyle to talk to me.  As a side note, Kyle really doesn't care about the money I spend.  He is much more concerned with what he might have to hang on the wall (trust me some of the stuff I have purchased at Pottery Barn requires an post-graduate degree in construction engineering) or how much cardboard he is going to have to breakdown and recycle.  This is all fair feedback considering I did ordered Colin's entire bedroom furniture online which came with a small city of cardboard...I do love you dear! 

This Sunday afternoon I spent shopping online and it made me think about the personal shopping carts that we all push around.  Quite often our carts can be full of great new fun things like fun weekend experiences, victories at work, spending time with a great friend, catching-up with your sister or seeing your son hear for the first time with hearing aids.  Sometimes our carts can be full of pain and frustration, work disappointments, stress with family members or friends or life just not living up to expectations.  I imagine like most people my cart tends to be filled with a little bit of both. It helps to have people in your life that come along and "sell" you some great experiences and help you "return" some of the bad ones.  I will admit that I often try to be the person that doesn't need any help shopping but the reality is that I really do...we all do. 

Colin got his hearing aids this week and has done wonderful with them.  Kyle and I were like the comedy of errors trying to get them in his ears for the first time but we are getting the hang of it.  For the most part Colin has left them alone.  They sometimes slip from behind his ear and he will look around for one of us and say "uh oh" pointing to his ear.  We are already starting to see a difference in what Colin can hear and respond to.  He is also starting to pick-up new words so we are very optimistic that he will be able to catch-up in the speech and language area.  We start this week working with a specialist on his speech and communication. 

So even though lately my shopping cart has not been always full of items I really wanted to buy I have had a great time shopping around and realizing we all need people in our life to help us out from time to time.  Let's face it shopping with friends is much better then shopping alone.

My "To Do" List

It is planning time at work which means we are deciding the budget, creating a forecast and overall predicting the end of the world...OK that is extreme but it sometimes feels like we are about as accurate.  This process is also a good time to do a little self-reflection on how things are going both from a work and personal perspective.  I often review my master "To Do List" of things I wanted to get done this year and wonder if I even looked at the list during the year since it is so woefully incomplete.  Did I really think I would get my Five Year Plan for Underwriting put together THIS year...I really did plan on getting all of the closets cleaned out and actually unpack the boxes from our move two years ago...sigh...there is always next year. 

That is the funny thing about lists they never seem to be complete. We are constantly adding to them just like we often keep piling on the pressure as a working mom to be perfect and to be everything to everyone.  A lot of this pressure is self-imposed and I really don't believe there are conversations going on behind closed doors judging me because I work and send my children to daycare.  Rather these conversations happen more in the form of jabs of passive aggressive comments in front of me...like how is Colin "handling" daycare...this was asked by a male customer.  After he told me it must be hard to leave him everyday.  Really how am I to respond to that?  Colin is doing great by the way, we met with his teacher this week and she explained what they would be learning in the 2 year old room...how to count to 10 in English, Spanish and Mandarin (yep I said Mandarin).  Along with their colors in all 3 languages...hmmm...not sure how much help Kyle and I are going to be on the Mandarin front.  The funny thing is that the teacher asked Colin to say her name in Mandarin and he said it like it was no big deal. 

So as you can see Colin is wonderful.  We are getting his hearing aids on October 5th.  I think they are going to make a big difference in his communication.  We met with Lynn from Hands and Voices who will serve as our Co-Hear coordinator.  The program is amazing and is going to provide us great resources to help Colin not get behind although he does speak more languages then Kyle but...whatever:)  We are deciding if we are going to learn some sign-language to help Colin communicate more effectively.  He is being assessed on October 25th by Child Find/Developmental Pathways to decide what specific type of assistance he will need which could include everything from speech therapy, physical therapy etc. 

His soon to be brother Hayden is growing like a weed.  We had an ultrasound on Tuesday to make sure his left kidney was growing like is was intended.  At our 20 week appointment the tech felt the kidney needed further monitoring.  The good news is the kidney is now within normal range and he is already weighing 3lbs 8oz and I have gained 17 pounds.  Which is huge progress from the prior pregnancy since I barely gained 20lbs total with Colin. 

So as I review my "To Do" list and make plans for the upcoming year, I comforted by the fact that there is always next year and amazingly life seems to go one without my Five Year Plan for Underwriting, the closet door can just stay shut and whatever is in the unpacked boxes I must not really need.  Just like I probably really don't need the list...

Passenger Bill of Rights

Last week I went to Salt Lake City, UT for a work trip.  First of all if you have never been to Salt Lake City it really is an experience.  It is very similar to traveling to another country...seriously.

My first customer visit was on Tuesday morning as soon as I got off the plane.  When we meet with our agents (our customers) often they share with us what they wish we would do from an insurance perspective i.e. wish we would write this, be cheaper, cover this etc.  So this first customer tells me that she really wished we would cover hearing aids...seriously I am looking around thinking am I being filmed.  So I took a deep breath and willed myself not to burst into tears and said what a great idea and proceeded to tell this complete stranger about my son.  So began the healing process. 

All week I practiced telling people and each time it got a little easier and I began to accept it a little more.  On my way home we had an issue with a light not working on the plane and the captain got on to announce due to the "Passenger Bill of Rights" we had the right to get off the plane to use a "real" bathroom (his words not mine). 

Sitting in the waiting room today waiting for Colin's appointment I saw a brochure that outlined the "Patients Bill of Rights" and just that morning the news was talking about the "Bill of Rights."  It seemed like everywhere around me someone or something was talking about "rights."  It struck me funny today as I was sitting there in the waiting room that we have all of these rights but yet nothing is guaranteed. 

I have the right to get off the plane but the airline doesn't have to guarantee me that they will take-off, I have the right to refuse treatment but they can't guarantee me they will heal me and that I have the right to complain or feel bad but in the end aren't we all lucky.  I am lucky that I eventually got home in one piece from Utah and Kyle and I very lucky to have such a sweet and funny child in Colin.  I think for the first time today and after telling about 10 strangers last week that things are going to be ok, Colin was going to be ok and in the end we all were going to be ok. 

Our appointment went well today.  Colin got fitted for his hearing aids after some issues with wax in the ear (gross- Kyle is a saint).  They took a mold of his ear and we picked out a hearing aid.  He tried it on and was very proud of it.  I was totally amazed how small they actually are...they are definitely not the hearing aids our grandparents wore.  We finally got an appointment with the Children's Hearing Clinic in December, 3 days before my due date.  I must confess that I actually thought to myself well if I go into labor Kyle can take Colin to the appointment he was there for the last birth...ok really that was one of my not so smart thoughts.  The Hearing Clinic provides us with every resource from speech therapy to genetic testing (that ship has sailed I would say).  We still have a lot of questions around if his hearing will get worse, what caused it etc and still are working on these answers.  But things are off to a good start and I am reminded it is the little things that keep us going and we all have the right to take a time-out and be thankful.

Believing What You Hear

I thought I would try my hand at actually using my English degree; however, you will find that I didn't actually take a writing class in college (unless you count the business writing class) to suffice my requirements...so the likely hood this goes beyond family interest is slim.  The real reason I wanted to start this blog was so I could share and update everyone on Colin and soon Hayden while trying to make it all work with two full-time working parents.  I think mostly though this blog is to help with the healing and most importantly the acceptance process.

My first post will share the details of Colin's diagnoses last week of having moderate to severe hearing loss. 

On Monday morning, Kyle and I took Colin to Children's Hospital in Parker to having what is called a double audiology test.  Which is in essence having two audiologist complete the screening (one doing the test with one in the booth trying to assist since Colin is so young).  Unfortunately, the results were not what we wanted.  Colin of course could care less he was having a blast at the doctor's office playing with dinosaurs and exploring.  I can't say that I took the news that well. It felt like my heart broke into a million pieces...everything that we had been hoping would not be true suddenly became our reality.  Colin will need to have hearing aids for both ears...oh did I forget to mention probably won't be covered by insurance...another topic for another blog.  However, they are optimistic that with hearing aids he will be able to make great progress towards speaking and communicating like a hearing person.  The audiologist also said Colin must be very bright...of course...due to the fact he is doing so well communicating despite his issues with his hearing.

We have another appointment this Wednesday and I am now armed with a list of questions.  I will post again with an update on Wednesday.