The Town of Denial

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross defined grief in five stages the first being denial.  I will admit that I have been camped out in denial, I have moved in and bought a double wide trailer, that our company will not insure, in the town of Denial.  Ok, maybe not the trailer part but you get the idea.  I hadn't realized that I had taken up residence in denial until last week when we went to visit the Deaf Preschool and I got to observe children with hearing losses like Colin's.  For some reason observing that class was a reality check.  I realized at that moment that I had been in complete denial about Colin and about how our life was changing.  I realized I had been telling everyone what they wanted to hear that we were ok and that everything was going great.  I had been truly in denial about my feelings but more importantly how Colin's life would be impacted long-term.

I know people mean well when they say "everything is going to be fine...at least you caught it early...he will be fine."  I know the expected response from me is to smile and give a polite response when you really want to say, "I am sad...I want to blame someone...I blame myself."  Most people really don't want to hear that kind of honesty, most people don't really want to know how you really feel.  I will be the first to stand-up and say I liked living in denial it was a safe place but just not a very honest place. 

Kubler-Ross's next stage is anger which I can say that I have moved on to and unfortunately has come out to some unsuspecting people...sorry about that.  Acceptance is the final stage.  Like most things in my life I have tried to push myself to get there first but the reality is that it is ok if it takes a little bit longer.  If I am no longer going to be in denial then I need time and I need to work through getting to acceptance which isn't going to happen over night.

This week was a huge step in getting closer to the place of acceptance.  We had Colin's assessment done through Child Find and started working with this amazing person who is helping Colin learn to speak and most importantly listen.  She came to our house on Tuesday and worked with Colin one-on-one for an hour.  She created games around speech and by the end of the session Colin had started to put words together to form simple phrases.  Something he really had not done before.

I realize that this Blog is not my typical Blog but I needed to share this because I felt if I was honest with others I would be honest with myself.  I also wanted to give others the permission that we sometimes need to not be alright all of the time.  A friend reminded me the other day it really had only been 60 days since Colin's diagnosis and although we have a lot to be thankful for it was ok to be sad and to have feelings.

The Shopping Cart

I will confess that online shopping is my downfall.  I discovered this when I was on bed rest with Colin.  I just can't help myself.  I can waste an entire Sunday afternoon shopping.  I go through different websites adding things to my shopping carts.  Sometimes I purchase right away while sometimes I wait and purchase later or sometimes I purchase nothing at all.  I love to read the reviews of what other people write about the products and I especially love to find an online sale or even better a coupon.  I love online shopping so much I find myself dreading having to actually go to the mall and shop in-person.  Sometimes my shopping cart can get too full especially at places like Pottery Barn Kids or Baby Gap which often requires a lot of editing before I purchase if I still want Kyle to talk to me.  As a side note, Kyle really doesn't care about the money I spend.  He is much more concerned with what he might have to hang on the wall (trust me some of the stuff I have purchased at Pottery Barn requires an post-graduate degree in construction engineering) or how much cardboard he is going to have to breakdown and recycle.  This is all fair feedback considering I did ordered Colin's entire bedroom furniture online which came with a small city of cardboard...I do love you dear! 

This Sunday afternoon I spent shopping online and it made me think about the personal shopping carts that we all push around.  Quite often our carts can be full of great new fun things like fun weekend experiences, victories at work, spending time with a great friend, catching-up with your sister or seeing your son hear for the first time with hearing aids.  Sometimes our carts can be full of pain and frustration, work disappointments, stress with family members or friends or life just not living up to expectations.  I imagine like most people my cart tends to be filled with a little bit of both. It helps to have people in your life that come along and "sell" you some great experiences and help you "return" some of the bad ones.  I will admit that I often try to be the person that doesn't need any help shopping but the reality is that I really do...we all do. 

Colin got his hearing aids this week and has done wonderful with them.  Kyle and I were like the comedy of errors trying to get them in his ears for the first time but we are getting the hang of it.  For the most part Colin has left them alone.  They sometimes slip from behind his ear and he will look around for one of us and say "uh oh" pointing to his ear.  We are already starting to see a difference in what Colin can hear and respond to.  He is also starting to pick-up new words so we are very optimistic that he will be able to catch-up in the speech and language area.  We start this week working with a specialist on his speech and communication. 

So even though lately my shopping cart has not been always full of items I really wanted to buy I have had a great time shopping around and realizing we all need people in our life to help us out from time to time.  Let's face it shopping with friends is much better then shopping alone.